I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
