I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
