I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
