Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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