I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
