my vag is so smooth its legendary
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
