the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
