I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
