I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
