So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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