A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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