rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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