hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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