Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
