I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
only you would photoshop your dick
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
