new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
