i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
