Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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