Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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