i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
did i just pee glitter
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
