Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
