i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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