Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
