I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
where am i from again
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
