wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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