I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
