i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
