I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
