Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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