Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
