my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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