my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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