Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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