Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
