Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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