Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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