Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm both gender and math confused
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
