I need to stop coming to work sober
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
