Define "chronic" masturbator.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
