At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
