Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
