A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
