Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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