Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
