I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
