just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
PANTIES FOUND
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