I will die if light touches me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
