She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
