Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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