totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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