I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
